The Public Opinion Soapbox

Coppy · Joined: 28 Oct 2007 Posts: 2067 Location: Chambersburg

I have lived in Franklin County now for three years. I have tried almost all of the locally-owned restaurants she has to offer. Some are good; most suck. And I mean, they’re awful. I have compiled my list of what I think. Call me what you want; a snob or an elitist; a curmudgeon or an outsider. I know what I like; but I most certainly know what I hate. And I hate your food Franklin County. Oh dear lord, do I hate your food.

Lets start with the first category; “The Same Place that Sucks.”
This category encompasses all of the restaurants in this area that are nearly identical in tacky decor, lack of cleanliness, unfriendly service and, most of all, identical menus featuring astonishingly mediocre-to-disgusting food.

These restaurants are called by many locals as “Greek” but I have trouble finding anything remotely Greek about them (like Gyros, feta cheese, kalamata olives, lamb, etc.). In fact, I have eaten at some of the best (albeit boring) Greek diners in my time throughout New York and New Jersey, all of which are open 24-hours and feature an extremely wide array of food choices. None of the following restaurants exhibit either of those qualities.

In fact, each of the following restaurants have some things in common: 1. A nearly identical menu altogether short, cheap and bland; 2. A 50’s era decorating scheme of old, worn and dirty brown-colored booths with disgustingly dingy indoor-outdoor carpeting; 3. Quick and humanless service as if fast-food isn’t a better alternative these days; not to mention a plethora of senior citizens (which doesn't matter much other than a perpetuation of a poor standard).

The bathrooms are almost always dimly lit and only clean on the very surface. Those cheap, non-electric vacuum “sweepers” are a common sight, being worthlessly dragged back and forth across the dingy carpet, disgusting from decades of food service traffic.

While the nostalgia factor from these places is understandable, the complete lack of reinvention or improvement is not. Times are changing, and these places are nothing short of a reminder of how backward our county still is.

So, if you’re craving some sort of fried ham and cheese sandwich and you’re both too lazy and too stupid to make it yourself, there’s a crappy restaurant nearby happy to charge $3.50 for one. Hope you brought cash, since that’s all they take!

--Stoner's [Despite popularity, this restaurant offers nothing to differentiate itself from the following]

--Capital Restaurant [Quite possibly the worst restaurant I have EVER been to, in terms of both food quality and service]

--Greenvillage Diner [When you feel like the same old crap, but driving farther for it]

--Texas Lunch [Childhood nostalgia aside, this “new” restaurant is as crappy as any other place mentioned here. Buy your own hot dogs]

--Johnnie's Restaurant [Yes, the tomatoes are great. EVERYTHING else sucks. I hate this place. Smoking by patrons here is like a bodily function.]

--Olympia Restaurant [The actual food menu could fit on a 3x5 index card, but even then it would bland and empty. The only Greek restaurant to offer a Gryo, I’d rather kill my own lamb and make it myself. Go buy a tub of real premium ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s. It’s better; I promise.]

--30 West Restaurant [This restaurant is listed under ‘Boring’ in the New Oxford English dictionary. I’ll wait while you look it up.]

--Chris's Country Kitchen [The so-called best breakfast in Franklin County actually serves pancakes!!!! At least they have that going for them.]

--Peggy's Restaurant (Travel Lodge) [Admittedly I never ate here; I walked out after looking at the menu and feeling like I was in some creepy old lady’s house.]

--Oak Forest Restaurant [St. Thomas’s most happening place.... if you’re over 80! With pie and prices to fit your fixed budget, they’ve got it all from chicken, to pie, to chicken and chicken in a pie and... ham? Or... what else do senior citizens eat? I’m sure they’ll mush it up for you.]

--Flamingo Restaurant [See above reviews; combine. Voila!; flamingo!

--Little Dipper [McDonald’s first local competetor... and last! Hopefully...]

The next category is called “Tried to be Different but Failed.” Yes, that’s right... your favorite local places that may not serve the same crap as those Greek guys above, but still happen to suck. Most are on the list due to their lousy food; still others are simply dirty and uncomfortable to eat in. It’s amazing how atmosphere goes a long way when it comes to eating a meal; if I can make the same crap in the comfort in my own home, why would I eat in de-glorified cafeteria?

--Edith's Pizza [This is by far the worst pizza in the history of the universe. I’ve tried pizza from all over the country; nothing is worse than this ketchup-covered cardboard.]

--Main Street Deli [Like eating in grandma's family room which hasn’t been vacuumed or re-carpeted since 1958]

--Dodie's [If you enjoy eating under an elementary school's gymnatorium fluorescent lights, you’ll love this place! With exciting sandwiches that feature exotic meats like “roast beef” Dodie’s will throw in shredded iceberg lettuce from a bag at no extra charge; once again, I'll take Ben & Jerry's any day]

--Dilly's [The eating surfaces are even stickier and more disgusting than the floors and walls... as if that's even possible. Your car may not “fit in” at the parking lot if it’s not an 80’s era IROC Camaro.]

--Kenny's Fast Food [I'll take a frozen Steak-um with Kraft Singles... to go!]

--Lighthouse Restaurant [A trough even more repulsive than Ryan's]

This section is called “Upscale Restaurants That Suck.” One of the benefits of dining at the above restaurants is ridiculously low prices; and while you do most certainly get what you pay for, the following restaurants skip that casual middle ground and go straight to ripping you off. Think twice before letting the wait staff at these mediocre restaurants sing that unbelievably annoying birthday song to you.

--Dakota House and Saloon [Menu is amazingly brief. You’d think they wouldn’t be so obvious in serving Pillsbury rolls from a refrigerated can. Sandwiches are ludicrously overpriced, servings are extremely small and beef is always overcooked. Their beer selection rivals only a community college fraternity’s.]

--Schoenbergers [Great karaoke; little else. A great place to take grandma on a special occasion, like when she gets new dentures. See how her teeth stick to the prime rib. Try not to laugh.]

--Copper Kettle [Hmm, prime rib, crab cakes, $20 sirloin... do you have anything they don’t serve at Red Lobster?]

--Mario's (Taking over Cozy Inn) [I like my upscale Italian food bland and soggy too! The calamari here would insult the entire squid community.]

Restaurants that suck are not just limited to Franklin County; Cumberland has some too! No, no, I’m not talking about Carlisle or Mechanicsburg. I mean Shippensburg! Yes, Shippensburg has a bit of an identity crisis and it seems that some of the same crappy restaurants here manged to replicate themselves into this peaceful college town. Unfortunately, they still suck AND meet the same exact criteria as “The Same Place that Sucks” above, except it's "The Same Place That Sucks... In Shippensburg."

--Select Family Restaurant [A facsimile of Stoner’s, although I’m sure fax machines are far too high tech for them. Credit card Point of Sale machines certainly are...]

--Diffy's [Feel like the same crap you can get in Chambersburg, but find yourself in the middle of nowhere between there and Shippensburg? You’re in luck! Diffy’s serves the same boring food, only even further out of the way!]

--Goody's [Dinner served 11am - 2pm. Enough said.]

--The Hop [Our kitchen is smaller than a Kia, but without the 100,000 mile warranty. Good luck with that omelet!]

These restaurants I call “Unreviewable Due to Ridiculously Awful and/or Non-Existant Hours:”

--7 P's [Weekends are for losers]
--Sweet Dulce [Hours? What are those?]
--Baker's Loaf [Thankfully closed!]

With the bitter always comes the sweet; unfortunately they’re unable to balance each other out. There are many, locally-owned, independent restaurants that I absolutely love, but I’ll save that for another post since this seems to be carrying on and on as it is. If I didn't mention them, then I probably think they're good... or I haven't tried them yet.

If I listed your favorite restaurants as one that I think sucks... so what? Who am I to say? I’m no professional food critic or gourmand. I’m just a regular guy who knows what he likes. I’m not a picky eater, I just like to try something different once in a while. And as I see the world around us, even here in salt-of-the-Earth America, grow more sophisticated and find interest in new and different foods and flavors, I see Franklin County regarding food as a chore; a necessary pit-stop in a simple life.

Food should be more important than that. It should be something we’re passionate about and find comfort in. But I can’t tell you what to like or not to like. I just hope that you at least approach my scathingly harsh reviews with an open mind (and an empty stomach, as Alton Brown would say).
After all, sometimes things don’t get better until someone points out that they need to.

mymouth · Joined: 27 Mar 2008 Posts: 21 Location: C-burg

Very Funny!! and in almost total agreement!!

I like the greek restaurants for a quick meal!! Better than going to McDonalds for a burger.

But I have never seen a town ( I wasn't raised here either) that has so many restaurants with nothing to choose from! The cusine sucks! The owners are not friendly and should come out once in a while to check on thier patrons and do just a little schmoozing!

My family and I were actually told to leave by the owner of the Copper Kettle after complaining about our steaks being too bloody.

Loved your humor!! esp about grammas teeth

Coppy · Joined: 28 Oct 2007 Posts: 2067 Location: Chambersburg

Good to see you're not taking it too seriously... more or less, it was just time for someone come right out with it. Razz

cookieclaygirl · Joined: 03 Dec 2007 Posts: 1572 Location: shippensburg

zomfg...roflmao....

being a native, i have of course been to all those places. and that's why i like to eat in carlisle, mechanicsburg or harrisburg (crap, even hagerstown) for variety.

good one, coppy Smile

Tele · Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 40 Location: Chambersburg

Haha, great post. I agree for the most part with everything you wrote. I'd much rather cook for myself than go out to eat around here. There are a few places I like to go to every now and then, but 95% of the time I stay home and cook for myself.

Sweet Dulce closed a while back by the way. I was there once and my friend and I were the only people there. We just stopped in for a cupcake and a glass of milk, so I never got to try their lunch or dinner.

Coppy, have you had a chance to try Molly's yet? Their hours suck, which I know from reading your posts is one of your biggest pet peeves about places around here(I agree btw), but I think it's a decent place to eat at.

koozie · Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 119

Why don't you tell us how you reaaaaly feel Coppy Wink

Me!!!!!!!! · Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 276

Copay, take the time to take a trip to Path Valley Family Restaurant on a Friday or Sat night. John Sideras operates the place and he is greek but offers more than the samr old. Some examples are :Stuffed flounder with crab meat,prime rib,stuffed shrimp, Fett. alfredo and many others. The only con for this place is no credit or debit cards accepted. he makes all of the soups (not wintergarden homemade LOL) and sauces.
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Coppy · Joined: 28 Oct 2007 Posts: 2067 Location: Chambersburg

Tele, Molly's is definitely on my list; in fact, i almost went to Molly's instead of Johnnie's the other day and now I'm sorely regretting my decision. Especially for breakfast; Johnnie's doesn't even have pancakes or waffles (like most of the same old crap restaurants).

As for Path Valley Family Restaurant, where is that? I haven't heard of it, but I'm not too keen on going out of my way for anything mediocre.... even stuffed flounder with crabmeat. I can go to Hagerstown and hit at least half a dozen unique places where I could even get a beer.

I'm open to any suggestion, but my purpose is more or less for the owners and regular patrons of these restaurants: they suck and I hate them. Everyone else just ignores it, but nothing changes if someone doesn't say something... even if it comes across as a bit harsh. These are businesses that should be competing for our business, not serving the same boring food they did 30 years ago.

ANON22 · Joined: 10 Jan 2008 Posts: 81

Hi Coppy,
I agree with you on all of these restaurants except Greenvillage, I have some weird bond with them, I'm not sure what it is but I'm in therapy for it at the moment...Anyways, you really should check out Aqua 103 in Hagerstown, my BF is an of the executive chefs there. The food, service and atmosphere is unbelievable. You won't go home disappointed.

cookieclaygirl · Joined: 03 Dec 2007 Posts: 1572 Location: shippensburg

i have a theory about greenvillage diner/restaurant.

when i was commuting from cburg to ship, i'd get behind this ridunkulously slow driver. would pull in my anger and wait for him/her to putter along. and lo and behold every time they'd pull into there.

greenvillage diner = slow driving customers.

(just from an amused observation)

but, this equation can't always be turned around

slower drivers [do not always] = greenvillage diner customers.

however, many of them do eat there.

will have to check out aqua. sounds good. let's make it a forum date! lolz....

ANON22 · Joined: 10 Jan 2008 Posts: 81

The bar and lights were custom made by a local.. They look really cool.

cookieclaygirl · Joined: 03 Dec 2007 Posts: 1572 Location: shippensburg

i must admit i am intrigued. i like finding new 'spots'...esp w/good food.

i did some freelance work about a week or so ago for 'red curry' in hagerstown. the menu looked pretty good. i'd like to check it out, too....curry curry i love you!!!

Punchmo · Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 36 Location: Over Here

When in Hagerstown, check out LJ's and the Kat Lounge. They offer unique, very tasty entrees, excellent service and a separate cigar lounge for those who indulge. Not cheap tho.

I agree with Coppy on his "Critical Rundown of Local Restaurants" but he does not have a category for this and several other fine local eating establishments.

I have suggested several good places to eat on this and other threads within the Cusine section of this website but unfortunately, one will have to travel to Adams or Washington County to enjoy a one Rolling Eyes

Disclaimer: I do not own or work for LJ's or any restaurant Very Happy

LJ's website: http://www.ljsandthekatlounge.com/general.html
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Coppy · Joined: 28 Oct 2007 Posts: 2067 Location: Chambersburg

Yes, my rundown is a critical rundown of specifically Franklin County restaurants; the fact that Hagerstown has decent places to eat just adds to my frustration. Why do we have to be stuck with such lousy food? I know most of it is a liquor license issue, but even that's not much of an excuse.

Hagerstown Restaurants now on my list:

Aqua 103
Red Curry (I saw this place, in between Crazy Horse and Sakura. Will definitely try).
LJ's/Kat Lounge

I also saw a place listed as having "Fine Tex-Mex and Spanish cuisine" in downtown Hagerstown called Durango. I had never heard of it before; has anyone ever try this place? I happen to be a big fan of Tex-Mex and Spanish food. I've always been bummed that I have to drive to Harrisburg or Hagerstown for tapas and sangria Smile

.

I haven't eaten at Greenevillage in a long time, but I recall two things... I was the youngest person in there by about 30-40 years or so, and the food was better than the other "same old crap" places.... but not by much.

cookieclaygirl · Joined: 03 Dec 2007 Posts: 1572 Location: shippensburg

i ate there in middle school eons ago. and i got a hotdog and coleslaw (i am the queen of crappy combos sometimes)...the hotdog sucked and the coleslaw was warm. nix and nix in my book. crap, even i can make a good hotdog...

efrains, in hagerstown, while not the epitome of grandness, is good in its own right. it's on the duel by weis (in that shopping center by the chinese buffet)...good mexican food in a sort of 'home style' version. nothing fancy but good food. with a decent variety. great burritos. yum. might want to pop that on your list too, coppy ... if ya like mexican food Smile