The Public Opinion Soapbox

.45chel · Joined: 26 Oct 2007 Posts: 2758 Location: Chambersburg

Okay, here's the deal. My child is NOT an angelic figure.

He is argumentative and whiny. He tries to be bossy at times. And, like most kids, he can be obnoxious. His ADHD is...pretty bad. He zones out during class, fidgets, doesn't do his in-school work unless repeatedly threatened. He is picked on and he does not handle it well and makes the situation worse.

At 11 years old, his desires for his school career seem to be wanting to be the 'cool kid', 'the class clown' and the 'smart kid' but he believes these things will happen due to: material things=cool, not having to try=smart and reading every joke book and repeating it's contents= class clown.

He is medicated. He goes to a therapist and a psychiatrist.

At home we have problems also, but not as severe.
Doesn't want to do chores, avoids doing homework, tries to sneak and play Nintendo DS or on his PC, stuff I consider pretty normal. (Which I still crack down on, I just don't consider it horrid.) I am not opposed to spanking and he has had quite a few, but recently we have tried more 'creative' behavior conditioning methods. Which, for the record, work very, very well, but the child has to be old enough. I still leave open the possibility of corporal punishment if necessary.

What I'm saying is that:
I admit that my child is not perfect.
I don't know what I am doing.
His disappointments tear my heart out.

I am frustrated.
I am tired.
I am really starting to hate a class of kids. And I feel guilty.

I know his school problems are temporary. I know that you don't achieve happiness with a label or by pretending to be something you're not, but I don’t know how to convince him of this.

How do you instill self-confidence?
How do you teach motivation?
_________________
I demand euphoria!

.45chel · Joined: 26 Oct 2007 Posts: 2758 Location: Chambersburg

BTW.

CASD, you make me angry. You have been no help. I do not expect you to raise my child, but you could offer better suggestions than, "Well, maybe he just needs to act like the other kids."

MAJ_Kong · Joined: 07 Mar 2008 Posts: 24

I was sent to military school. I learned to pay attention in a big hurry. It sucked at the time (being high school aged and not having ready access to the opposite sex, well, it was bad,) but as I now look back, it was the right thing to do.

carsonlong.org/

It does cost, but was is that when we're talking about a child?

Good Luck.
_________________
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

ANON22 · Joined: 10 Jan 2008 Posts: 81

Hi Chel, I can really relate to how your son probably feels, I am the opposite sex though. I too have ADHD and even as you geet older it is something that you have to learn to deal with. I was the same way with material things too. I had a wonderful mother that did everything that she could to make sure that I was on the right medication, getting the right counseling, enough help with my schoolwork etc etc etc. As I got older though, despite all her efforts I rebelled in every way possibe and it turn ended up in rehab for 3 months. it changed my life. Not trying to scare you but I think that the key is that you can't ever let him think that you are giving up. Honestly, you are probably the only person that he knows understands him. I remember just absolutely hating myself and as I got a little older I with time I grew out of that. What really helped to o was being involved with sports. Enough rambling for me, (must be the ADHD kickin in!) Whatever you do, be strong and don't give up!!!

.45chel · Joined: 26 Oct 2007 Posts: 2758 Location: Chambersburg

We've toyed with the idea of military school and in the high school years, if he still has not developed the self-control or reduced the impulsiveness, it may be the answer.
Both us grown-ups are Veterans, though we enlisted for different reasons, so I'm not anti-military, but I don't want to push him down the path. (I don't think this is coming out right) Confused

I don't want him thinking that he has to fufill some family legacy requirement.

I think you will agree that some seem born to be service members, some don't seem the type, but once in, flourish and others are not cut out for the life at all. Quite frankly, my child is one of the last two
I don't know what I'd do with myself though, I'd be miserable if I couldn't see him!

I also don't want to stifle his creativity or force him into conformity.

I think alot of his behavior is age-related paired with social immaturity. He doesn't have a great deal of unstructured peer play time.

The weird thing is he gets along decently with most kids, with few if any problems---except the kids in his class. Confused

_________________
I demand euphoria!

.45chel · Joined: 26 Oct 2007 Posts: 2758 Location: Chambersburg

Irish1 · Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 60 Location: Montgomery Township

My brother is ADHD and Athletics helped him very much, it helped that he was very athletic but when it came down to crunch time he was the go to guy and was respected. It was in his first year of college that he was diagnosed as Dyslexic (sp?), he struggled in college and after a year as a two sport athlete he left school. Shortly after he left school The State of Massachusetts sent him a letter basically stating that due to his disabilities they would pay for his training/schooling and tools for the traade in which he still works. By trade he is a pipefitter but actually he is a supervisor and runs many rate jobs for his company he can read prints, specs,budgets, etc...
My daughter is ADD she also has athletics as an outlet that has helped her, she also takes horseback riding lessons and I think this has helped her as well.
What I am saying is if it's not a team sport then an individual would work as well horseback, martial arts, fencing, tennis, squash, racket ball, swimming etc...

.45chel · Joined: 26 Oct 2007 Posts: 2758 Location: Chambersburg

We don't have him in enough activities.
Up until last year, it was due to schedule conflicts, but no excuses now.
He will be in baseball this season, but I guess we need to find more things for him to do!

I really do appreciate all of the suggestions. I felt like I was at my wits end yesterday.

Edited to add: Without getting mushy or acting like too much of a chick, I want to impress upon you all that I really needed and appreciate your responses.
I think we tend to express things here that we may hesitate about in RL.
I know I do anyway.
I try to always act positive around my rug monkey, even though we are straight forward in conversations.
Both my sisters have ADHD, but we're all grown up and none of us had issues to the extent that the rugger is.
I've tried discussing with the teachers and counselor, but after 3 years of the same old thing, I've felt like I'm beating my head against the wall. (For the record, I'm always respectful, even when I don't feel like it.)

Sometimes you just need to vent and hopefully get the opinions of an unbiased third-party (that's ya'll!) Very Happy

I feel horrible being so wound up about this when there are people with far more to deal with. I have a cousin the same age as my son who is currently in the hospital with an infection. He has cystic fibrosis, weighs forty pounds and eats baby food, never had anything more solid than applesauce and put in the hospital every few months...And I'm complaining about a healthy, hyperactive kid.

I'm sorry if I've seemed ungrateful.
Once Again, Thank you all.
_________________
I demand euphoria!

Jo · Joined: 10 Dec 2007 Posts: 98 Location: Chambersburg

For heavens sake, chel, you do not sound ungrateful. You sound human! I commend any parent that strives to do what is best for their child.

My best bud is in another state. Her son has struggled his whole life with ADHD symptoms. The public schools tried to diagnose him with everything under the sun. Behavior is an issue - a big one - turns out he has Aspberger's syndrome and sensory stimulus disorder. She beats herself up about losing patience all the time. She doesn't lose it with him, just with her hubby and me, but we know what its about and it doesn't bother us. Everyone has to vent. It's natural.

She does the best she can with what she was dealt and it sounds like you do the same. No one can ask for more than that.

I agree with the above post that said the most important thing is that he KNOWS you love him. I'm sure he does and now we do too!

Now, really, let's vent...I mean HONESTLY...how many socks can fit under a child's bed before he notices the clean supply is severely depleted and he must move them to that strange smelling square object in the corner that mom dumps out once a week and carries to the laundry room? IS IT THAT DIFFICULT TO FIND A HAMPER THAT IS 3 FEET FROM YOUR FRIGGIN' BED? Geez..... Laughing

_________________
Me thinks that the moment my legs begin to move, my thoughts begin to flow. ~ Henry David Thoreau on hiking

Irish1 · Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 60 Location: Montgomery Township

Do you have an IEP for your son? After my daughter had been Diagnosed by our people the school district tested her and all they did with her was Title 1 reading some occupational therapy and some speech therapy. According to the school district she did not meet the criteria for any more Special Ed. But the squeaky wheel gets the oil! We took our daughter to All kinds of minds in NC had her tested there again @ our expense no big deal she is our daughter and we want whats best. All kinds of Minds confirmed what the first group told us which was different from the school districts testing. Our next IEP meeting was very different since we now had an educational plan from all kinds of minds whch we forced the district into, we adjust accordingly each time we meet w/ the district and its on our terms not the districts. You have to be strong with the district Special Ed is often considered a budget buster and theywill only offer the minimum.
Sorry I type like I talk one big run on sentence!

.45chel · Joined: 26 Oct 2007 Posts: 2758 Location: Chambersburg

Irish1, don't worry about run on typing, it reads just fine. Very Happy

Please let me know if you do not receive a PM from me.

Jo,

OMGee!! You too?
We built a loft bed for the ruggers so we wouldn't have to crawl around on his floor. >shiver<

I expect to one day catch him eating a sock, because I cannot imagine what else he does with them...You know, besides wear them repeatedly until they can walk to the washing machine themselves!
I ask him, "Baby, how can you wear stiff, crusty socks?!" and he says, "It's easier than trying to find clean ones." and I say, "You must have 500 pairs of socks! 490 of which are white crew socks of the same brand!! AND you're wearing a crew and an ankle sock right now!!" and the darling, precious, angel of my loins says,"I don't know--- it's all I could find."

Oh and don't even get me started on strange smelling objects!!
I have scrubbed that room. I have supervised him scrub that room. I have febrezed and bleached and Lysoled and still it smells. Yes, one of dogs sleeps in there, but it isn't a dog smell...it's some kind of horrendous mixture of, of, I don't know, boy, maybe?

I never imagined that this was what snips and snails and puppy dogs tails smelled like.

Laughing

_________________
I demand euphoria!

AnonyMouse · Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 405

Chel,

Don't know how you responded to Irish, but the point about an IEP is good. I'm guessing you've done all that stuff, but in my experience, most kids can be accommodated in school if the school staff are patient, understanding, and creative so if he's still not succeeding there, maybe the school needs to be doing more. PA schools are required by law to meet the needs of every kid who has been identified as needing special education. If they don't have a program in place, they have to get one.

If you haven't already seen it, in Philadelphia there is the Special Education Law Center who will actually send an advocate out to support you in talking to the school. When I worked as a family counselor, we had a couple of families that got a lot of help from them.
Here's their website: http://www.elc-pa.org/
Here's a link to their excellent publication "THE RIGHT TO SPECIAL EDUCATION IN PENNSYLVANIA: A GUIDE FOR PARENTS" http://www.elc-pa.org/pubs/downloads/english/dis-Right%20to%20Spec%20Ed%20in%20PA%202007A.pdf

My 11 year old son (without ADD) also doesn't want to do chores and avoids doing homework plus he's mouthy to his mother and mean to his sister and never cleans his room or bathes unless he's reminded A THOUSAND TIMES! - like you said pretty normal stuff. But it still makes us crazy and I tend to crack down in a harsh way that likely contributes to his defiance. This parenting thing isn't for sissies. Hang in there.

Also, I've seen lots of parents who have had really good luck with "1 2 3 Magic" if you haven't seen that yet.

AnonyMouse · Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 405

ANON22 · Joined: 10 Jan 2008 Posts: 81

The 1 2 3 Magic works wonders, I use this on my son and it is very effective.

.45chel · Joined: 26 Oct 2007 Posts: 2758 Location: Chambersburg

'Mouse,

I wasn't trying to be secretive by sendind a PM to Irish1, but it's a loooong story.
PLUS, I liked where Jo was taking the thread.

At this time, my son does NOT have an IEP. He has a diagnosis, in fact he has been diagnosed by four different doctors in three different states. I thought he was going to have an IEP, but I guess it was determined last year that he did not need one.
Silly me, I believed them! (I have really got to work on that.)